Weird

The past three weeks have felt like three months in some moments and three seconds the next. It seems like just yesterday I was pregnant and preparing the nursery, and then it seems like my baby girls have been apart from me for a lifetime. 

To say that this has been a weird season for the Smiths would be an understatement. It was weird when my doctor said I needed to be admitted to the hospital at 34 weeks pregnant. It was weird when I had a c-section at 8 o'clock at night 48 hours later. It was weird when I saw these two tiny pink babies and in a flash they were rushed to the NICU. It was weird when I didn't snuggle them. It was weird that I only touched them 8 hours later. It was weird to have to wash our hands for three minutes with special soap before seeing them. It was weird to look at my newborn daughters like an attraction in a cage. It was weird that I was excited for others to do the same. It was weird when I left the hospital, not pregnant and not with my babies. And it is weird that they've spent the first three weeks of their life in the NICU. 

So yes, weird might be the best word I've got. But it's not the only description. I think of words like blessings, challenges, smiles, tears, excitement, disappointment, contentment and frustration. I've had cycles of thoughts and emotions over the last three weeks, one no more stable than the next. But when I take it all in, as we prepare for discharge, I am reminded that it's not always for me to understand. The Lord even tries to remind us of this, but in our (MY) stubbornness, I still want answers. I want to understand. But he says, “For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,” declares the Lord. (Isaiah 55:8 NIV)

And what's funny is when his plan is better, and I can see it, I'm all in. But for whatever reason when his plan involves my misunderstanding or even my suffering, I begin to challenge it and desire to change it. No matter how many times he's proven himself faithful. I repent of those challenging thoughts and voice them in an effort to prevent them from taking root in my heart. He is good. He is faithful. And his plans for me are far greater than I will ever understand. 

So even though this season seems "weird", I'll rest in his will, even if it looks a lot more like wrestling. At the end of the day, I know that he is God and his plans far exceed anything I could ever hope or imagine.