How do you say thank you?

To say that I have a hard time asking for help is probably a fairly accurate statement. I mean, I'll ask for someone's opinion, but to say "I can't. I need your help" is pretty rare. See, it's my nature to go with the "you scratch my back, I'll scratch yours approach". You'll watch my kids? Great! Just let me know if you need me to watch yours. That's why, when so many friends jumped at the opportunity to help us when I was hospitalized with the girls, when I really couldn't do what needed to be done because I wasn't even in the same town, I was so overwhelmed. Not that I don't completely appreciate all the help, I just want the "helper" to feel justified, knowing I'd give back in proportion to their gift to me. But when you are so overwhelmingly blessed week after week, there's just no paying that all back. 

Here's what I'm talking about, a list of all that has been done (that I know about...so I'm sure there's much more that I don't):

Many friends cleaned our house while I was in the hospital. 

Some filled our fridge with groceries. 

Others brought us meals (good meals!), one even went as far as freezing six meals for us (we had to buy a deep freeze!). 

One finished painting a piece of furniture that I was working on for the nursery. 

Another couple of friends arranged most of the above blessings. 

Three friends scoured for preemie clothes because the girls had no clothes to wear. 

Four different families juggled taking care of and loved on our big kids while I was in the hospital. 

Someone did all of my kids' laundry. 

We received tons of phone calls and text messages from friends and family offering support, love, encouragement and congratulations. 

We were given gift cards and money from friends to help finish up with any last-minute baby needs. 

A friend cut our lawn. 

Another friend took our trash to the dump. 

So many friends made the trip to Nashville to see the girls, even before they could be held and snuggled. 

Another handful of friends (some the same as above) kept me company and made the drive with me each day to visit the NICU. 

And the prayers, soooo many people prayed for us!

So how do you respond to that amount of blessing? How do you return the favor? Well, you don't. You take the blessing. You accept God's grace. You pray a ten-fold blessing to each and every soul that poured into your family the way they did and you love that you have so many caring, loving, supportive people in your life.

There are too many people to name, but so many to thank. If you have done any of the above or anything that I forgot to list, or that we didn't know about, we are so, so thankful! THANK YOU (although it is certainly NOT enough to just say that)!!!

It is my prayer that, "The Lord repay you for what you have done, and a full reward be given you by the Lord"! Ruth 2:12

Weird

The past three weeks have felt like three months in some moments and three seconds the next. It seems like just yesterday I was pregnant and preparing the nursery, and then it seems like my baby girls have been apart from me for a lifetime. 

To say that this has been a weird season for the Smiths would be an understatement. It was weird when my doctor said I needed to be admitted to the hospital at 34 weeks pregnant. It was weird when I had a c-section at 8 o'clock at night 48 hours later. It was weird when I saw these two tiny pink babies and in a flash they were rushed to the NICU. It was weird when I didn't snuggle them. It was weird that I only touched them 8 hours later. It was weird to have to wash our hands for three minutes with special soap before seeing them. It was weird to look at my newborn daughters like an attraction in a cage. It was weird that I was excited for others to do the same. It was weird when I left the hospital, not pregnant and not with my babies. And it is weird that they've spent the first three weeks of their life in the NICU. 

So yes, weird might be the best word I've got. But it's not the only description. I think of words like blessings, challenges, smiles, tears, excitement, disappointment, contentment and frustration. I've had cycles of thoughts and emotions over the last three weeks, one no more stable than the next. But when I take it all in, as we prepare for discharge, I am reminded that it's not always for me to understand. The Lord even tries to remind us of this, but in our (MY) stubbornness, I still want answers. I want to understand. But he says, “For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,” declares the Lord. (Isaiah 55:8 NIV)

And what's funny is when his plan is better, and I can see it, I'm all in. But for whatever reason when his plan involves my misunderstanding or even my suffering, I begin to challenge it and desire to change it. No matter how many times he's proven himself faithful. I repent of those challenging thoughts and voice them in an effort to prevent them from taking root in my heart. He is good. He is faithful. And his plans for me are far greater than I will ever understand. 

So even though this season seems "weird", I'll rest in his will, even if it looks a lot more like wrestling. At the end of the day, I know that he is God and his plans far exceed anything I could ever hope or imagine. 

Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.

Now that the girls are taking all of their feedings via bottle (see update from previous post if this is news to you), it's just a matter of time before they come home! They need to be finishing each bottle, and increasing the amount slowly to make sure they're consistent in order to be considered for discharge. 

Karis has done really well (we call her Miss Piggy) and today she was put on ad lib feedings, which means she can eat as much as she wants and as long as she takes at least 50mLs (just over 1.5 oz.) per feeding, she will be considered for discharge. That is fantastic news! 

What's not so fantastic is that Kamin is still working pretty hard to finish 45mL. She has required two feedings to be finished by tube feeding, so she's a little behind. She almost made it 24 hours, but required a tube feeding tonight. She will need to complete all of her feedings at 45mLs for at least another 24-48 hours before they'll increase her to 48mLs, then do that for at least another 24-48 hours before they'll go to ad lib/50+mLs (I'm assuming, because that's what Karis' track was). 

So, unfortunately, even though they told us not to expect it and I secretley thought the girls would defy the odds, it doesn't look like they will be coming home together. 

This makes me sad, but I trust the Lord's timing completley. I am fully aware that my plan is not the best option, even when it feels like it is. I know He has the best plan, and it'd be ridiculous for me to think he's forgotten about Kamin, or not listened to my prayers. He's known Kamin for all eternity and he has wonderful plans for her life. I trust him with the details...even when they hurt. 

Romans 12:12 has been a favorite verse lately, and a reminder that God hears our prayers. Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. I feel like every day is like going round and round with each...joy, hope, affliction, patience, faith and prayer. And that's okay, because Paul wrote Romans almost 2,000 years ago, so if the scriptures are still relevant today (and I'm certain they are), then that means God knew we'd need to hear/see the verse in Romans to get through challenging times. He knew we'd need to rely on him. And I am putting my trust in him, asking you to do the same and just say a little prayer for Kamin Grace to eat like a champ, to continually improve and not to move backward again and to come home so soon! "Soon" will be determined by the perfect Planner, but I trust that he will answer the prayers offered up, and he'll do so with his perfect plan. 

Kamin's sweet face, minus any tubes!

A Girl's Gotta Eat

These last two weeks have been a challenge, but when I look back at the hurdles these baby girls have made, I'm amazed! They've gone from being born 6 weeks premature, requiring oxygen, then a ventillator, umbilical catheters and feeding tubes, then came off the ventilators, went to a c-pap machine, had the catheters removed, and came off c-paps and went back to the oxygen and then came off of oxygen completely and the final thing that remains are those pesky feeding tubes. I say that jokingly, of course, because those tubes serve a great purpose, however I am ready to see them go! 

The reason I'd love to see the feeding tubes gone is because that would mean that the girls were taking all of their feedings by mouth. Currently they take every other feeding by bottle or breast. They have done so well and are growing stronger every day, but those feedings are a lot of work for them. So in order for them to increase the number of feedings by bottle per day, they have to finish the bottles without tiring out. If they can do that, the next step is taking all feedings by bottle and only getting a tube feeding as necessary. THENNNN once they take all of their feedings by bottle consistently and require no tube feedings, they can come home!!!

Sooooo, I'm sure you know where I'm going with this. Would you please pray for our girls to grow stronger as they eat and to gain energy enough to finish all their bottles? They have had no issues catching on to bottle or breast feeding and I just know, after the hurdles they've jumped in two weeks, they can certainly jump this final hurdle and come home. 

As always, thanks for keeping up with us and for all the prayers. We have been soooo blessed by so many friends and family in this season and we are so grateful for each one of you. :)

**UPDATE: October 14, 2013

THANK YOU FOR YOUR PRAYERS!!!

The girls were put on all bottle feedings today!!! They will keep their feeding tube and will only receive their milk via tube if they can't finish their bottles on their own. Let's praaaaay for some strong, healthy eaters!!! Once they are taking all of their feedings via bottle consistently they can come home!!!

Resting in His Grace

So it's been two weeks since our sweet baby girls were born. I'd be lying to you if I said that I didn't think they would be home already. I really thought we'd be in the NICU for a week and then home. I made the mistake of comparing our circumstances to those around us, and that has only resulted in disappointment and tears. I had heard stories of babies born smaller going home earlier, or babies born at or around the same gestational age (34 weeks) going home in a week or two, and well, I just assumed that we would too. And yet, here I am, two weeks post-partum, still sleeping 50 miles away from the newest loves of my life.

God has been MORE than gracious to me and has poured out his grace like never before. Every morning I wake up, I am energized and excited for what the day holds. But a day full of warring with the enemy, who insists on convincing me that God's promises are not real, leaves me a tired, weary mess each night. Thankfully, a quick phone call to a sweet NICU nurse each night to check on the girls gives me just enough energy to give Satan one last dismissal and allows me to rest peacefully at night.

This journey is far more challenging than I expected, and yet God gives me so much joy and hope in his plan. I'm tempted to be discouraged when I think about missing a lot of "firsts" with the girls, or when I think about the big kids not really even getting to understand that they have baby sisters. But when I draw back and look at the big picture, knowing fully that I do not understand it all, I am positive that I can rest in God's grace for each day, trusting that he knows, he's there, he's in this with us and he's not going to turn away.

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. -1 Corinthians 12:9

Catch-me-up, a quick timeline...

Okay, so it's been a crrraaaazzzzyyyy two weeks. Here is a very poorly thrown together recap of events to catch you up to today. 

Wednesday, September 25

- I had an ultrasound appointment to check Baby A's size. I found out that she dropped from the tenth percentile to fourth in her size. My doctor determined that Baby B seemed to have a larger portion of the placenta, which kept her on track, but then kept Baby A from growing properly.

- My doctor decided it was best to deliver sooner, rather than later to be certain that Baby A continued to grow. I was admitted to Centennial Women's Hospital to begin steroid shots for babies' lung development. 

Friday, September 27 

- Scheduled c-section 

- 8:18 p.m. Karis Jean born, 5 lbs., 17.5 in. long

- 8:19 p.m. Kamin Grace born, 4 lbs. 7 oz., 17.5 in. long

Saturday, September 28

- 4:40 a.m. I went to visit the girls in the NICU for the first time. 

Mekyla, Xzayvier and Kreid visited their baby sisters. Mekyla and Xzayvier are in love. Kreid...well, he's still trying to figure it all out, I think. :)

- 9 p.m. The neonatologist decides to put the girls on a ventilator and do an umbilical arterial catheter on both girls and they were moved to higher level NICU.

Sunday, September 29

- Remained on ventilator, but still looking pretty as ever. ;)

Monday, September 30

- Both girls came off of ventilator and started c-pap for air flow

Tuesday, October 1

- I was discharged from hospital with the option to stay an extra night...and I took it.

Wednesday, October 2

- Got orders for c-pap and UAC to be removed, oxygen via canula started

- Our sweet nurse bent the rules a little (because the UAC was still in, we weren't supposed to hold the girls) and let Rob and I hold Karis and Kamin before we left. It was the first time we both got to hold each of them.

Karis stats: 4 lbs. 13 oz., increase feeding up to 13mL per feeding

Kamin stats: 4 lbs. 8oz., increase feeding up to 15mL per feeding

Thursday, October 3

- KANGAROO CARE (skin-to-skin hold)! Their catheters were removed so we were able to hold the girls.  

- I held Karis skin-to-skin for an hour.

- Rob held Kamin for an hour. 

Karis stats: 5 lbs., up to 22mL per feeding

Kamin stats: 4 lbs. 8 oz., up to 25 mL per feeding

Friday, October 4

- Rob and I both did skin-to-skin for two hours. Rob had Karis and I had Kamin 

Karis stats: 5 lbs., up to 28mL per feeding

Kamin stats: 4 lbs. 8 oz., up to 30mL/1oz. per feeding

Saturday a.m., October 5

- Oxygen at .5 liters (low setting), can possibly come off oxygen all together.

- No IVs/fluids for both girls.  

- Both girls increased to 35 mL of milk

Saturday p.m., October 5

- Both girls were taken off of oxygen. Yay for healthy, strong lungs!

- The girls were moved to lower level NICU

Sunday, October 6

- Rob and I fed the girls their first bottles. Rob fed Karis and I fed Kamin. They both took to bottle feeding perfectly! They didn't finish the entire bottle without tiring out first, but that's to be expected.

Monday, October 7

- Karis and Kamin were reunited for the first time since birth! I was able to do skin-to-skin with both girls. Such a sweet moment! 

Tuesday-Thursday, October 8-10

The girls have both continued to improve. They have remained off of oxygen, are keeping their temperature up so they can be in a normal crib and not a warmer bed, and they are now taking every other feeding via bottle. All of that needs to continue, plus they need to take all feedings via bottle to come home. So please join us in praying that God continues to strengthen and grow their little bodies. They are healthy girls! They just need to grow stronger to come home.

So there you have it...a recap (not a very good one, I admit) of the last two weeks. Now we're all caught up.

What's in a name?

Many people have asked how we decided on the names Karis Jean and Kamin Grace for the girls. Those who already know, have gone further to ask how we decided who would be named which name. 

A friend of mine and I will tell each other "it's a total God story!" when we have a story that was all Jesus. And the story of how our baby girls got their names is a God story, indeed! 

If you remember, we didn't find out we were having twins until I was 21 weeks pregnant. Before we had our ultrasound, when we thought we were just deciding on a boy or girl name, we loved Charis (Greek word for grace) for a girl and Kamon (mentioned as a city in the book of Judges 10:5, meaning His resurrection<--- how cool, right?) for a boy. Theeeen we find out its twin girls. So we thought Charis (we chose to spell it Karis) is definitely one of the names, but we couldn't come up with another name. We searched, we prayed, we googled, we did all the baby-naming stuff. Nothing stood out like Karis, and we wanted a name with a great meaning because we loved that Karis meant grace. 

Well one day Rob and I start entertaining the idea of Kamon. We just kept thinking 'but it sounds like a boy's name'. So one day I suggested what if we spelled it with an 'i', instead of an 'o', would that make it look more feminine? We agreed that it did, but still didn't want to push it, if in fact God really did have a name for her and just hadn't revealed it to us yet. So we continued on for weeks unsure about it, but considering it. 

A couple weeks later, while perusing Babies R Us, I looked up Kamin in a baby book, expecting to find nothing, considering we spelled it different than what we originally found. Well it WAS in the book and it was even listed as a girl's name. The meaning was Indian and means joyful child. So then we really, really liked the meanings for this name. So we decided their names would be Karis Jean and Kamin Grace. 

As for their middle names, Jean is Rob's mom's middle name and the name she goes by. AND, how's this for some Jesus? Jean means God is gracious! We stuck with the grace theme and just went with Grace for Kamin's middle name, agreeing that it sounded good together. 

We originally had no real plan for how we would name them, except we considered that the first one out would get Karis, because that was the first name we had picked. So fast forward a couple weeks and I get admitted to the hospital at 34 weeks and scheduled for a c-section because "Baby A" wasn't on track for her growth. While in the hospital I was praying over the girls and felt strongly that The Lord was telling me that "Baby A" (the smaller one) was to be named Kamin because when she is born she will be raised from my womb healthy and strong...remember it means His resurrection. Of course he gave me the image of it and I couldn't shake it. I mentioned it to Rob and he said The Lord had told him separately that "Baby A" would be named Kamin Grace, because it was by God's grace that we knew it was time to deliver them while they were both still healthy. And we both agree that that's why we couldn't shake the idea of the name Kamin for all those months. Jesus knew all along!

So, if you were wondering why and how we chose, rather, were given their names, that's the Jesus story behind the names of our sweet baby girls Karis Jean and Kamin Grace. 

First 24 Hours

I feel like I've sent hundreds of text messages in the last week. Actually I'm certain of it! So I thought I'd start posting updates about the girls here for anyone interested in keeping up with them and us. 

We have been on a roller coaster for the last two weeks. Two weeks ago, I went to an ultrasound appointment to check the growth of one of the babies. One of our girls was what they call growth restricted, which means she may or may not continue to grow in utero. Basically one baby had a bigger share of the placenta and was getting all she needed and one baby was not getting what she needed. So the best option was to deliver them to be certain the growth restricted one would grow and get the nutrients she needed. 

My doctor admitted me to Centennial Women's Hospital in Nashville (50 or so miles from home) that day, which was a Wednesday to begin steroid shots to help further the girls' lung development. I needed to have two shots over a 48 hour period and then they would do a c-section. So Friday, September 27 at 8 pm, I was heading to the operating room.  

Karis Jean

Our girls, Karis Jean and Kamin Grace were born via scheduled c-section at 34 weeks at 8:18 and 8:19 pm. Though they were small, Karis weighed 5lbs. and Kamin 4lbs. 7oz. (She was the growth restricted baby), they were still a good size. While 34 weeks is great for twins, they're still premature and we knew going in that they would likely be in the NICU because their lungs wouldn't be fully developed. 

Kamin Grace

The delivery was a whirlwind and before I knew it I was back in my hospital room, no longer pregnant and no babies to snuggle up to. As much as I knew this was the best thing for them, it was hard not to want it to be different. Rob showed me our girls in pictures before I ever even held them. That was rough. But a trip to the NICU to bask in their beauty at 4am made it a little better. I still couldn't hold them, but just seeing them and touching them made a world of difference to my heart. 

The first day was a blur, but I remember the nurses were surprised at how big they were and seemed really optimistic about their health. That was encouraging for us, especially considering most of the babies we had seen in the NICU (they gave us a tour the day before) were itty bitty. Though they were big, they still needed help breathing and were receiving oxygen via canula. 

The big kids came to meet their sisters that first day and while they had a lot of questions (why are they in those beds?, what are those wires for?, etc.) they fell in love and they can't wait for their sisters to get home. 

Saturday evening, the girls had reached 24 hours old. The doctor explained to us that this was when they could tell if their lung development was okay or if they needed to do more. He decided the best thing for Karis and Kamin would be to remove the canula and intubate them and put them on a ventilator to give them a specific medicine to mature their lungs. I was devastated, but understood that it was best for them. 

That's a terrible summary of their first 24 hours. Little did we know the journey was just beginning. It hasn't been all hard, but it certainly hasn't been easy either. My next post will hopefully be a timeline of events to catch us up to this week. 

I'm sure I don't have to ask, but I will, please pray for our girls and our family. We put our full trust in The Lord and know that he has a perfect plan for our girls and our family, but this momma's heart hurts having her babies so far away, and the big kids, while they're doing great, you can tell this is hard for them too, and my sweet man, may The Lord rain down blessing on him for all his strength and support through all of this. We appreciate your prayers more than you know! 

Blog Revived

It has been quite some time since I last posted, but with all the craziness of life, blogging just had to take a back seat. Now, however, I feel like this might just be the best option for updates with the Smith fam and the newest members of our family, our premature twins, Karis & Kamin. Maybe this way I can update everyone without having to reply to tons of texts, phone calls and Facebook messages (which are all such sweet, sweet problems to have, by the way). I am just struggling to keep up, so I thought if I blogged it, everyone would have access to updates if they so desired. :)

So stay tuned and I'll do my best to keep the blogs coming with updates about the girls mostly and other fun things the Smith Family gets into. 

Here We Go Again...

It's been five years, why not do it again?